Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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