Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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