Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
