it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
