I think I won the penis lottery.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
