her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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