If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drake has all the answers
not ubering you a puppy
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
I bet heโd be surprised by the epic blow job heโd get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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