His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
