It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
