Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
