His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
