I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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