"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
