I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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