the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
