Little spoons don't ask big questions
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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