I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
