I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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