Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
