i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
