She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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