thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
