Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
