so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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