if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Someone came in the potted fern
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
