I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
