apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
