he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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