WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
