he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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