I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
