Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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