Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
