Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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