i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
