Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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