Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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