I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
