I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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