you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
