Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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