i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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