so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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