I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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