I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
