Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
