theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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