oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
