Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Dear god my vagina.
the raccoons are back...
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