I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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