And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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