i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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